he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
