i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
