I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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