Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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