i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
