She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
