I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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