Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
