Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
