he wants to bone in the snuggie
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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