Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
