i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
