last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
