today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
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Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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