What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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