I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We left the knife in your bed.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
