i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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