i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
