I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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