Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
