tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
bring money and cleavage
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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