I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
