I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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