then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
