I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
