he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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