Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
