dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
