In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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