i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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