So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
