hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
