i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
