the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
