Your face is a jimmy john
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
