Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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