my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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