He disabled his match.com account in front of me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My pussy is not your playground.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
