I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
