he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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