just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
