we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
