I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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