Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize