I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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