I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
