my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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