I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
