Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She's the barista slut.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
