So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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