she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
