we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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