I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
