we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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