I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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