I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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