Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Screwed.edu
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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