god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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